Tuesday, 13 March 2012

The Code Goes Global…

“The Code" has proven so successful in policing the game of hockey that it really should be adopted by society at large to solve many issues that plague us in everyday life.    If ordinary individuals accepted The Code as part of their lifestyle we could look forward to news reports such as these.

Handicap Parking is Off Limits

Ron Shulman thought that he could just dash into the local 7-11 to pick up some milk on his way home. Fortunately Hank “The Tank” Templeton spotted Shulman parking in a handicap space.  “I was just coming out with my pepperoni sticks and Mountain Dew when I sees this idiot taking the disabled space out front.  My aunt Matilda has a bum knee so I know that ain’t right.  When confronted Shulman offered to move the offending vehicle but Tank would have none of that.  “In the heat of the moment he made the wrong decision and he has to know there are consequences,” said Tank, “So I pounded him good”.   Tank insists that his motives were to change the momentum for handicapped drivers.  “People without so much as a hang nail park there all the time so I thought it was time that I shook things up.”

Fracas Breaks Out at Accounting Firm on King Street

Grant Goonster, a power CGA with Mooney Accountants, walked into the lunch room to refill his coffee when he saw Bryan Spencer taking the last cup from the machine and exiting.  Grant, also referred to as “Grunter” by female staff members, then took action.  “I says to him, you can’t take the last cup without making another pot.  I mean that’s the code right?”  Spencer tried to evade the confrontation and get back to his desk.  “The little creep tried to turtle so I caught up with him and rammed his head into a vending machine,” explained Grant.   Although there was some sympathy that Spencer may not walk again, the office staff backed Grant.   For his part Grant offered an apology, “I’m sorry that he got hurt but if you’re gonna pull that cheap stuff in my office then you gotta show up.”

Justice Served at the A&P

It was an uneventful day at the local A&P until Sheldon Munroe moved into the Express Lane to check out his groceries.   That’s when Burt Masher intervened.   “This goof moves gets into my line with 10 items”, said Burt, whose nickname is “Mangler”.   “He tries to tell me that he had 2 cans of soup and 2 loaves of bread so that’s 8 items, not 10.  I wasn’t taking that crap so I laid him out.  He can’t come into my grocery store and not show respect.”   It was reported that the other shoppers applauded and gave Mangler several high-fives as the paramedics removed Munroe from the store.

Laundromat Customer Gets A Lesson

Betty Cook got straightened out when she tried to monopolize a few extra washers at the local Laundromat.  Bertha Bigguns, known as “Boomer” to her friends, stepped up to make sure that Cook got schooled in The Code.  “I told her, you can’t be using four washers at once on a busy night,” said Boomer, “So I showed up and put her straight.”   Once it was determined that Cook only weighed 130 pounds, Boomer delivered the message by pounding the snot out of Mr. Cook.  “Hey, it’s only right that you fight within your weight class.  Anyway she’ll remember the lesson every time she changes the bandages on her hubby.”

Streetcar Enforcer Takes A Stand

The 211 streetcar that runs along Main Street is usually busy mid-morning and yesterday was no different.   Hank Wreckman, who calls himself “The Hammer”, is a regular commuter and has been known to step in when needed to keep the peace.  When an obviously pregnant woman got on he was upset when another transit customer quickly took the last remaining seat.  Hank offered his view of what happened next, “So this slob sits down with this stupid grin like he just won the lottery or something.  I asked him to get up for the lady or I would wipe that smirk off his face.”  When the rude passenger didn’t move, Hank grabbed his sweater and put two quick rights into his nose.   Hank then escorted the grateful women to the now vacated bench, after first wiping off some blood.   “I know that some people don’t like what we do,” Hank offered, “but nobody left their seat or rang the bell to get off at the next stop.”

All across North America you can hear the rallying cry that defines The Code, “You wanna go?”   It’s comforting to hear that phrase and to see these new “enforcers” pounding some common sense into those who cross the line and take advantage.  Sure there’s a few scrapes and bruises, maybe a broken hand or eye socket and the occasional concussion – but how many people are really hurt in a fight.   We can only imagine all the cheap shots and general impoliteness that would result if these designated public enforcers weren’t laying a beating on the rats in our midst. 

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